I recently read over the blog I wrote after the first couple of performance and realised just how much more I have to say about this piece now. As we are now 25 performances into Under Our Clothes (and I concede I have not been present at all of them) I felt it was a good time to give an update as a performer about how I am developing and evolving along with the show.
Firstly, the nerves still get to me before a performance. I'm usually pretty chilled after our last practice session then on the day of the performance I can see it coming like a slow frieght train, all day long. As it gets closer my apetite disappears, several times I have went into a performance having not eaten since the morning, though I do now try to force myself to eat something small beforehand.
I also shower extensively, which I guess seems appropriate when laying naked and inviting strangers to explore my body, but a couple of times I have performed having just arrived from a busy day, and I've been concsious of how I look and smell, it's important to go in there feeling 100% body confident.
When I arrive I find myself pre-judging the audience, and I'm actually quite good at this. There's normally one or two couples who will sit themselves, very close, possibly holding hands, usually quite young. I often put myself in their shoes - it must be an exciting thing to do early in a relationship, it may feel a bit 'out there' perhaps even a little prurient, it offers an insight into their willingness to explore the human body, and possibly each others, it's quite a exciting feeling to see that within the group.
There's always a few single people there too, mostly women, ages varied - there's been teenagers in attendance, all the way up to 70+ year olds. I find this beautiful and fascinating. At any age there may be a curiousity for this, and from experience the older the participant the more likely they are to be brave when it comes to exploring our bodies.
And I find myself enjoying the performances more if the audience are more confident. I've spent a lot of performances laying there having the full group do the same things to my hands and feet over and over, staying at the extremities of my bodies, lightly touching with bits and pieces, not daring to move up my legs or across my chest. To each their own of course, but I always feel they and I are missing out on what the piece is supposed to be about.
To the participants who have the bravery to explore my body (and Danny's of course) this is where the piece comes alive. To all of suddent feel a pinwheel climb up my thigh, to feel a piece of cloth tease over my breasts, to have a massager roll over my belly, these are the moments that keep me guessing, that provoke a reaction, a stir, almost always a positive one. And it encourages the audience to be braver, more and more.
I've never felt threatened as such, I've let my mind wander to the edge of this a few times, fully aware that strangers are sat over me and have the tools in their hands to do my body harm, it's a strange feeling. I've never been into danger play or bondage or anything like that but I suspect that moment of panic can be a powerful emotion when combined with a sexual or erotic situation.
On the subject of sex and eroticism, I have had several people over the 20+ shows touch me on what would be considered intimate areas, and some very much in erogenous zones. In rehearsals sometimes I have found this to be quite a turn on (the safe space offers a different vibe), with just Lucy and Danny playing with my body I have felt increasingly horny at times, which is of course rather pleasant, but I always wondered the appropriateness of bringing this into a performance.
And for the first few it wasn't an issue anyway, I was far too on edge I couldn't let myself get excited in that way. But after doing a remote performance, which to date has been a one-off, unlikely to be repeated, I found myself unable to control my responses and embraced the erotic nature of the piece. We discussed this afterwards and both Danny and I suggested we would not feel comfortable like this in the presence of an audience.
And so since then, it's always been at the back of my mind. I feel a touch and it opens that door, just a moment, but I attain a level of solidarity with Danny on this. As a man he has the rather obvious problem of an erection giving away his state of arousal, and whilst my own is not completely unnoticeable I do have a bit more to play with that he does. As a result I try to hold these feelings back, it doesn't seem fair that he has to do so and I not, so we both lay in a state of self-imposed restraint.
Interestingly, at the end of most performances we conduct a Q&A with the audience, Danny is always asked how he is able to perform without getting an erection, a question which we all smile about as a group and elicits a nervous laugh from the participants. But as he answers, and he gives some wonderful answers sometimes, I always think - Why does no one ask me this? Do I seem aroused to them? No one ever asks why I don't get a ladyboner!
All in all, I am enjoying the piece more and more now. I'm more comfortable with the setup and increasingly moreso with the participants. The fear of a rogue attendee seems to lessen with each performance. People genuinely seem to be there for all the right reasons. And that makes me relax, makes me enjoy the performance.
At first I felt Lucy's ambition of doing 100 performances seemed far too much, but 25% of the way there I can see it as a possibility, a good target for us all. I've seen her plans for thereafter and it could be beautiful, but for the moment I am sworn to secrecy.
We are now working with another couple of models, so we can interchange, which is important. It means we can look to a set time, (a set venue still seems to prove problematic), and Danny and I don't have the burden of every show, perhaps we could even take the opportunitiy to attend as audience members.
And the workshops have been great too, we've done 3 now and the attendees have found the whole experience hugely positive - or so they have said, it certainly comes across like this. The groups we've had have had various different abilities in terms of what they can withstand. Some of the girls are very ticklish, some of the guys have found arousal unavoidable, some are just far too exciteable and giggly to really appreciate it.
I suppose its inevitable, Lucy, Danny and I spend a lot of time with each other, Danny and I are used to putting our bodies through this, for someone coming in completely cold I suppose it must be a very difficult situation to be put it. But that said, even those with these issues still very much enjoy the sessions, it's something we're all keen to do more of.
I have to sign off by thanking Lucy for creating the piece, and Danny for his comradeship, and to all who have attended and made it what it is.
Paige
